lamentations

its been 30 days since i last posted something. anything. i've gone through bouts of depression, anxiety, and most of all loneliness. i am falling for someone i can never have, and it hurts. i don't want to clean, i don't want to cook (i never want to cook anyway). all i want to do ("is have some fun") is lay on the couch and watch disney movies, or listen to the radio and read or knit. 

i have been really active on the weekends. meeting jacqy has been the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. she brought nina, ben, and kristin into my life, and i know that i will be eternally greatful. i haven't had such an active summer since i was travelling with the circus. its been wonderful... camping, silverwood, bonfires, jam nights, random standing on the side walk. these people brighten my day and make me want to be a better, more giving person. even if these aren't qualities that they hold themselves. :) 

i've been so bummed out about money. i have actually had to start taking note of how much i am spending at the grocery store. before i would just wander the aisles and throw things in the cart. now, i have to take out my calculator, pay only with cash, and make sure that i don't over-spend. yesterday, i had only $60 for food. i had to go to wal mart. *shudder* 

this garnishment is killing me. you never notice how much you need that extra $300 a month until its gone. i haven't had a hair cut in 4 or 5 months. i need a new bra, that i can't afford. i need new shoes (i know that i have others i can wear, but they either don't fit, or they are uncomfortable). i just am so disappointed in myself that i have let things get the way that they are. here's hoping things all work out for the best.

i'm hungry.