tonight tonight

tonight, i cried. for the first time in my 25 years on this earth. i cried about my weight. i hate obsessing about it. i just stuff it in an over-loaded corner of my mind and i don't think about it. but when you see pictures of yourself, its hard to deny. 

what i am right now isn't allowing me to be who i am supposed to be. for the first time, in my life i am becoming ashamed of my body. ashamed. isn't that sad? not sad in in the traditional sense. sad as in disappointing. unfortunate. mindful. 

i am the only one who has the power to change it. but what will that bring? i'm scared of who i will become. i'm hoping its the real me (it will be-- it is). i've started this habit of agreeing with other people in hopes that they will like me. i'm tired of it. i am getting goosebumps just thinking about it. that i could be so mindless. they should like me no matter what. i doesn't even make sense to me that i would  think like that. 

i talk about getting the lap-band. to myself. i don't really share a whole lot with other people. i don't know that i want to. i think i'm scared of what their reaction might be and worried that they will look at me differently. it is exhausting to be guarded twenty four hours a day. what are they thinking? how do i look? am i going to say something stupid? sometimes i think that my failures at work are due to my insecurities. i know that the lap band won't change that, and i don't expect it to. what i do expect it to do is help me. help me become the person i am supposed to be. the shape i'm supposed to be. get the help i need to over come my insecurities. 

i need to make a change. i want to take a giant step forward and conquer some of my fears. i will force myself to be aware of what goes into my mouth. what i could be doing while watching tv. exercise? i love the routine from jazzercise with the maroon 5 song. working with my legs makes feel so strong. capable. steady. i want to walk for 30 minutes on the treadmill at work. everyday i am there. there really is no excuse not to. its there. its free. just do it. 

i am so thankful to have amazing family and friends. sometimes i wonder why they would want to care about someone who doesn't really care about them-self. i've always said, "i do care about myself," in my head. but i have to admit, if i really did i wouldn't be here. i wouldn't lay in bed at night and wonder why i don't have a man who wants to love me. i would know that i am working as hard as i can to take care of me. make sure that i am eating good things. doing good things. saying good things. and i know that my all-inclusive family will support me no matter what. 

i am blessed. i don't take that term lightly. in fact i don't think i've ever said it. i am blessed!!

it starts today. its time for a change.